This week, Jakob Ingebrigtsen, a generational talent in the track world, sat in court and testified against his father Gjert. Physical and emotional abuse was described, there were kicks, punches and many threats. In his opinion, a disturbing level of control was exerted on Jakob and it applied to not just him but his younger sister, Ingrid.

Also, this week, was my father’s birthday. Had he lived past the major coronary that ended his life, he would have been 100 years old. Though 46 years have passed since we buried him, my relationship with my Dad is ongoing. For a long time, there was little I could remember of him beyond what was negative. The fear he caused in me, the discomfort in my home, the epic inability to be something that he might want me to be; all of this prevented me from seeing him in full dimension.

Ingebrigtsen’s Dad, was also his running coach. He played a major role in his son’s achievements and led him to success at the highest levels. Last February, after a lot of negotiation with Jakob’s representation, I went over to Norway and shot a profile on him. I was not allowed to ask about his relationship with his father but with a newborn coming in a few months, I wanted to know what kind of father he would be. One of the first things he mentioned was that he would be “strict.” When I asked his partner what kind of Dad he would be, she said he would “spoil them” because she knows “how he is with the dogs.” They have two gorgeous, golden white retrievers.

My love of reading and writing, my sense of right and wrong, my intellectual curiosity, a deep commitment to family and my love of travel all came from my father. Even my passion for fitness came from him. Though he ballooned to 240lbs at one point in my childhood, over the final five years of his life, my Dad dedicated himself to a daily exercise regimen, lost 60 pounds and took great joy in his physicality. In other words, Dad gifted me some of the biggest treasures I have known. For years, I could not appreciate this. I was too caught up in the hurt. To be honest, I leaned into it, enjoyed the specialness I thought victimhood afforded me.

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like understanding. At this point, I’ve raised two kids and I was entirely imperfect. There were issues with my daughter that I handled with the grace of a Neanderthal. I suspect that there were times that my son probably needed a little more tenderness than a mountain bike ride or a trail run provided. It was the best I could do. Just like my Dad.

In reading about Jakob’s testimony, I also read about Gjert’s self-admitted failings. He could have been better, he said. He was only trying to help Jakob become what he wanted. My lack of clarity here is intentional😊

On the centennial anniversary of my father coming to this world, my love for him has landed in a holistic place. If he gave me some scars, they’ve helped to make my life interesting, they toughened me up, gave me something to overcome. My Dad grew up very poor in the Depression. He went to St John’s Prep, the University of Notre Dame and Harvard Business School all on scholarship. But the tools available to him in the parenting department were different than what we have today. I appreciate that. Had he had them, I have no doubt he would have utilized them.

And so, without hesitation, resentment or misgiving, I felt love and joy for my Dad on his birthday. Someday, I hope Jakob is able to get to the same place with his father.