There is no efficiency in the activity. The launch point is off, my follow through is limited and there is no whip in my arm. It feels more like a flick than a throw. After 57 years of chucking all kinds of balls, rocks and other objects with my right hand, I am starting over with my left. A brutal case of awful feelings in my right elbow has left me with little option but to seek a new solution. There are two Labs with demanding “Fetch” expectations it’s up to me to find a solution.

Swapping throwing hands has been humbling for me. Though I was never a great baseball player, I always had a decent arm and especially as I got older, I took a teeny bit of pride in out-throwing many of my peers that had succumbed to shoulder and elbow issues. In the dog parks of my life, I’d always been alpha in ball tossing. Not now. These mornings, there’s a sad little hop in my throws. Instead of stepping into it, I kind of mince my way into sending the ball airborne. Distance achieved is maybe 30% of what a healthy right arm gets me. Luckily, my morning walk with the dogs are mostly pre-dawn, nobody sees me. And let’s face it, nobody cares but me. I like being good at things, when they’re taken away from me, a little part of what the kids call “mental wellness” goes with it.

But, I am kind of proud of my new lefty identity. “Good on me for trying,” I say as the dogs race a full 25 yards to track down my best effort (with a decent roll, it’s a little more). Flexibility in the mind has never been my strong suit, that I made changes here rather than just giving up is a promising sign that maybe I still have room to grow. My wife and I started therapy for a third time last night, I’m gonna need it.

A capacity for growth is important to me these days. I’m beyond mid-life crises (I think), so my current restlessness would seem to indicate big changes in the offing. We’ll see. Whatever comes next, I’ll remember to embrace the awkwardness and just fight through memories of “what used to be.” Truth be told, the dogs could give a shit. They still get to play fetch, even if it doesn’t look the same as it used to.