It was the fourth lap, at most there was 40 mins of racing left. In the tunnel of pine trees though, there was nothing but solitude. No riders here, just the steamy reality of more pushing on the pedals to be done. My feet were burning, each stroke was painful, a big part of me just wanted to pull over by a tree and stop.

For a good four months, I’d been planning on riding the Dirty Kitten Gravel Race in Rapidan, VA. It’s a unique, multi-20 mile lap event that takes place entirely on a working farm. Though I’m sure many like me are drawn to the allure of a gravel race with not one meter of pavement, however, the reality is farmers don’t need to keep their roads too fancy. This one, upon close inspection at full throttle, was corrugated for miles, laced with logging roads thick with mud and given to loose gravel that savagely tried to redirect tires making every corner a proposition similar to running windsprints on the deck of a sinking Titanic. To top all of this off, quite literally is the Kitten Crusher. Coming about 16 miles into the course, The Crusher is renowned for its 20% grade at the summit. But those that have ridden it will tell you, you’ve got a very long, exposed and hot climb to get within sniffing range of that 20%. In other words, you’ve been grinding well before you get Crushed.

To get to the Dirty Kitten, I took a Friday off from work and drove the seven hours down to Rapidan. It’s a part of the world I’m not very familiar with but it’s gorgeous and every bit as beautiful as Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Robert E Lee would have you believe. Agriculture is still very much a thing there and pastures, growing fields and silos occasionally make way for Civil War battle sites. On my drive, I took all of this in while listening to Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. Tolle made a sensation in the self-help world a few decades ago with his tome, The Power of Now. Heavily influenced by Buddhism, he prescribes a life in which one turns away from “The Ego” and its power to corrupt and instead focus on the immediate, the sensory and a non-reactive approach to life. The teachings were immediate for me and some were profound. I’m going through a point in my life where the way I’ve been doing things is no longer working and I am interested in making changes. Could a bike race give me some answers?

In my pine tunnel, it was 95 degrees at least. My suffering was acute and where I finished in the race didn’t really matter over five hours in. Far earlier, I realized that my shot at a podium finish was unrealistic, there were riders my age much stronger than me. Why not just pull aside and rest? Up until that point, there had been difficult sections but I’d powered through with a positive mindset. My mantra for the day was: Present, Patient & Committed. Through 3 laps and change, I’d thrived on the first two elements, I was struggling with the third. One of the temptations of a circuit course, is how easy it is to just bail if you’re not having a good day. Well before that final lap, you can just come through the finish and head to your car. I was told after the race, that many people had done just this. The heat was “unsafe” in some worlds. Not mine.

Instead of pulling over, I slowed down. Took stock of where I was in terms of my heart rate, hydration and nutrition and decided that I’d give myself some time to get back in the right frame of mind. It wasn’t easy, I still had the Crusher to take on for a fourth time but forward progress continued and before long, I was having moments of going full gas.

Until that moment in the pines, I hadn’t thought of anything else since 8am but riding my bike, grabbing wheels, working with others, drinking, eating and paying attention to difficult corners and random course vagaries (I almost ran over a water moccasin). In other words, I was fully present in what I was doing. In my head, there was only the moment. Not the story that I would tell. Not the voice I’ve been listening to since childhood. Not the adult in me that questions the wisdom of the situations I regularly find myself in. The day was pure, my effort complete.

Rolling across the line, there was no “victory” to celebrate. But there was a glorious peace I felt sitting on a cooler, trying to get fluid down. After a few minutes, a young man approached me who seemed to recognize me, though I couldn’t for the life of me, place him.

“Hey, you’re a beast” he said. “I hope I can ride like you when I’m your age.” Though I didn’t recognize, Nick at first, he soon got me up to speed on the work we’d done together out on the gravel. We talked for fifteen minutes, I was frankly touched he’d thought of me at all.

In Tolle’s book, he promises his readers/listeners that if they live an awakened life, their purpose will come to them as an unmerited gift. Some day, they’ll just know what it is they are to do.

I’m not sure why I felt compelled to drive fourteen hours to have my head beaten in on a very, hot and humid day. But for that six hours, I was all in on what I was doing. And at least one person found inspiration in my effort.

I am not sure where the currents of the moment are going to take me. I’m fairly certain it will be a place where I spend more time than less doing the physical things that give me joy.