Back before cable really became a thing, you used to get your TV served up over two transmission feeds: UHF or VHF. VHF was for The Big Three networks: CBS, NBC and ABC. For those of us looking for slightly more interesting programming, we lived on the UHF dial. Over there, you could get a Saturday morning of Pro Wrestling and at 8:00pm, every day of the week, there was always some old movie to find. Frequently, they’d make a week of one particular genre or another. And every year, they’d have Clint Eastwood Week. If possible, I never missed a movie with Clint.

He made a lot of amazing movies, obviously. Kelly’s Heroes, Dirty Harry, Every Which Way but Loose leap to mind but my favorites were always his Westerns. So, impressed was I by his cowboy persona, that after taking in The Outlaw Josie Wales at a tender thirteen years old, I tried to adopt “The Clint Squint” and paired it with talking through clenched teeth. Seriously, I went to school and tried to be Clint Eastwood as Josie Wales. My teachers must have thought me very strange. I can’t remember how long I kept it up, probably just the week.

Feeling comfortable in my skin was never a strong suit. Youngest of four, I was a “people pleaser.” What I was, was whatever people needed me to be. If I had any social talent, it was slipping into a persona that worked for a given situation or “scene” partner. Around my Dad, I was inquisitive, sharp even. My mother loved a good time, so did I (a little too much in my teens and early twenties). Around my jock friends, I loved sports and fashioned myself as a tough guy (see Clint Eastwood). But I also did theatre. Acting just came really easy for me and I enjoyed it. I even did it professionally for several years, every few months I got to be someone else. And that felt right.

For the past 24 years, I’ve been a television producer and more than half that time has been spent at one network. The same one I’ll be leaving in two years. That was made official in my review last month. Having a title, a job, a career has been a convenient way for me to define myself. It seems to answer so many questions beyond the simple, “What do you do?”

Working in sports television, people assume you love watching sports. I don’t. I love playing sports. I identify as an athlete, not a fan. That’s weird for a 59 year old to say. I should have quit games a long time ago but I still love to play at it. This weekend, I’m looking at going on two group rides and you’d think it was early Christmas based on my excitement level. I don’t get that excited about anything on television except maybe Paris Roubaix and Le Tour. So, if I’m being truthful, and that’s pretty much the point here, I’ve been playing a role in my job for a long time. I know I’m not alone in this but it’s interesting to confront in this moment.

On Saturday, I was at a shotgun clinic and I met a guy who told me he’d been an investment banker his whole life and as he’s getting to the end of his career, he’s wondering if he’d made the right decision. Investment banking is all he’d ever done.  The money was good.  Soul satisfying? I think he was leaning towards “no.” Though I wanted to, I didn’t have the chance to tell him that I’d chosen one of those professions that everybody thought sounded, “amazing” and I’m not so sure it has been. I could use his money.

When I sat down with my boss he asked me how I wanted things to end. After I explained my plan, he accepted it without hesitation. I could tell, he was happy that he could accommodate what I wanted to do because it involves a leave of absence which he enthusiastically endorsed. I’m going to go on an adventure before I finish my last season of football. It all makes me a little sad. Nobody was fighting to keep me around.

Maybe it would be different if I was a different kind of guy, maybe a little more like Clint? I don’t know, talking with clenched teeth is draining. Good news is, the squinting comes pretty natural these days.

Without a job, I’m back to defining myself all over again.